Because
he once lived here, President Obama has announced that he will set up a
Somerville White House in the Brickbottom section of the city.

Mayor
Joe Curtatone has announced the formation of his new a cappella singing
group comprised of all city officials. Members will be from the School
Committee and Board of Alderman. The group will be called Joe and the
Curta-Tones. Tom Champion, with his resounding pipes, will be the main
vocalist. Frank Santangelo joins as the group's booking agent, George
Landers will run sound and Michael Browne will be the road manager. The
group will make their debut at the Mayor's Annual Senior Citizens
Picnic – Gene Brune will be the first featured guest soloist.

The
former traffic and parking officers will soon be ready to debut their
new positions as "The Roving Somerville City Singers." This will be
because the city has agreed to remove all parking meters and lift most
restrictions throughout the city. The 'Singers' will still wear their
uniforms, but will now merely pleasantly serenade motorists throughout
the city.

13 new restaurants will soon open in Davis square.

Joggers wearing spandex will now be banned from the bike trail during daylight hours.

George
Wood, Senior Program Director of Somerville City Cable TV, will be
hosting a show called "25 Years Of My Favorite Bloopers." It will be an
uncensored collection of outtakes, slips of the tongue and political
embarrassments from city cable's vast archives.

Somerville will institute a new 4 hour school day and add 2 months to summer vacation.

MCAS
testing will be replaced by honor system grading. Each student will be
able to give themselves the score they feel they deserve.

Somerville property taxes will be reduced by 50% in the next fiscal year.

Legendary
submarine sandwich maker Ross Blouin has agreed to return to McKinnon's
Market to resume his illustrious hoagie-making career. Davis Square
eateries are nervous speculating a rush the humongous heroes that Ross
creates.

Citing the success of the new solar powered trash cans
throughout the city, soon we will see solar powered robot crossing
guards in some school zones. They work much like the robot sweepers you
see on TV commercials. These new robot crossing guards will in fact be
able to cross people safely and sweep the streets at the same time. A
all-new model next year will include the ability to ticket and tow cars
as well.

A statue of Somerville's favorite bar singer Jimmy
Plunkett will be erected in the courtyard of Ciampa Manor. As you know,
the Manor is the former site of the Woodbridge Inn that housed The
Blarney Stone Pub. The statue will have the song "Charlie On The MTA"
piped into it.

That new cupcake place on Highland Ave will soon
take over the entire block. New offerings will be cupcakes for
breakfast, lunch and dinner – alone with veggie cupcakes and a new
prototype "on the go" cupcake.

Kay and Chips, The Venice Café,
and Frascatti's have announced they will be re-opening in Davis Square.
They are still waiting to hear plans from Butler's Music and Goff's
Auto. A management representative of the A&P was quoted as saying,
"we are looking for a suitable spot in the Davis Square area with a
concrete floor."

Back on the immense Somerville music front,
disco bands will make their triumphant return to the club behind the
Rosebud Diner in Davis Square. The Surrey Room will feature live
dancing with bands such as Mason Dixon and The Line, Marie Michaels and
The Dream Machine and a group featuring Vinnie Scrima.

Johnny D's will go back to an all country western musical line-up, except on Sundays, when lip-synch groups will return.

A
concert in the newly renovated Armory on Highland Ave will feature a
rock music festival of old retro city bands. Here is a list of bands
already on the roster: The Tools, Shadowfax, The Bill Connors Blues
Band, The Ellington Alley Band, The PJ Five, ETC., Indescribably
Delicious, The Boize, The Huns, The Echoes, The Works, Zenophon, Fire
Dept., Del Fusion, The Sled Dogs, The New Friendship Band, The
Wildcats, Radio Stench, Davis Square Goons, The McCain Brothers,
Electric Smile, Sudden Urge, Splash, CRT Band, Fly By Night, Upper
Crust, Hobbit, K Kiely Band, Solid Gold, The Fabulous Pharaohs, The
Great Pretenders, The Amazing Sensations, The Mini-Squirts, Ritchie and
the Rockets featuring Del Sonic Blast, The Nek, The Premieres, and
Dillinger.

Somerville's unofficial motto is "Somerville Rocks,"
which will be changed to "Somerville Rocks, why, it don't?" You can
email Jimmy directly with comments at jimmydel@rcn.com